i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
