I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
