i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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