goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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