Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
