i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize