one two three fourrrrnication!
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
