its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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