apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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