Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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