i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
