I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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