So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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