so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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