you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
