i just had sex bonerless
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
