Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
