i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
