My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
