So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
