I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
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Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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