I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
