he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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