I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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