My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
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