We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
