I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
