God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
No subtext here. People are naked.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
