I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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