Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
