plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
