sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I just found puke in my bra..
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
