so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I could make wine with my vomit
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He called his prostate his "boner button".
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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