my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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