we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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