o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
