did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
