It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
