Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
