He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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