Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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