he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
My ATM looks so different sober.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
