I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
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I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
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He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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