I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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