I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
