i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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