dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
