burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
