Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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