someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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