It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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