Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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