the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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