Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
