I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
