this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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