Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
