If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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