Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
