i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
