My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
