I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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