Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
