I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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