life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
