definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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