You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
